I Think I have a Right to be Upset

I Think I have a Right to be Upset

The very day after I experienced the beginnings of an early miscarriage all forms of support from my husband were revoked… iam going to assume it is because my husband experiences bi polar disorder and even though he is medicated and takes his meds daily, his problems/issues in life will always mean more to him than any joint issues or this that would be my issues.

On the morning of Friday the 13th of March my miscarriage started, spend the morning at the hospital, had lots of blood tests for about a month afterwards, have been very upset since and trying to deal with it best I can.

The afternoon of Saturday 14th of March, my husband found out he wasn’t invited to his old flatmates wedding, after being told he was in January, the last time he saw the guy. Fron what I understand it was a money thing as to why he wasn’t invited. I suggested he respond to his friend by asking if we can still attend the ceremony… didn’t hear back from the guy for about 2 weeks.

This 2 weeks was awful, what was going through my head; we have just lost a potential child, we don’t have many chances left as we only get funded for 2 cycles of ivf.
He was thinking; omg I have no friends I will never trust anyone ever again.

I have never felt so alone, even my mother wouldn’t talk about it, she has never had a miscarriage or any problem getting pregnant.

Not only did I have no support for what I was going through but the key person who was supposed to be supporting me was having a crisis, where he needed me comforting and suporting him.

2 weeks later we had gone camping, heading north to stay with hubbys brother and his family for a night then inland to the mountains and and lakes of the Makenzie Country, which was beautiful. It was so good to get away from everything. Untill Hubbys phone went off.

So 2 weeks later, we were now going to the wedding ceremony, it was a 3 day event for the whole thing but we weren’t really invited, so the plan was that we didn’t stay at the venue, we came to the pre-wedding drinks and barbecue and we came to the ceremony. I wasn’t going to drink so we could get back to where we were staying, and hubby agreed that we would only be out untill about 10pm.
Pre-wedding drinks started fine, barbecue was ok, 8 hours of socializing getting a little tiring, hubby has finished his 24pack of beer, and a whiskey, at 9:30pm I had a headache, I suggest to hubby we should think about heading off, answer “No, I’m not done”. 10pm came and went, I was getting angry, he was getting more stubborn. I went to drive off and leave him there but I couldn’t, so I drive back.
I tried asking him nicely to end his night, I tried pleading with him, I even begged him, but no, he was too busy with “beer bongs” and throwing other peoples playing cards about. So I dropped the one thing that had been hurting me so badly for weeks, my miscarriage… OUR miscarriage and the fact that he dismissed it a day after it happened because of this wedding. When I did this everyone shut up, stopped cheering on his drunken tantrum and suggested he go. He didn’t sleep with me that night he was too angry with me.
We went to the ceremony the next day, he seemed to get over some of the hate he had for me.

Now weeks later again, he still hasn’t spoken to me about the miscarriage. Everyday I think about it, I try to forget how my husband reacted to it.
Yesterday when I got home from work I start getting a migraine, so painkillers and off to bed for me, I didn’t notice because I was out to it, but hubby is more than 2 hiurs late from work.
He has been at a councilor, which is not unusual, on any given week he will see a nurse and a councilor, often he sees a dr every few months and usally he has other people/friends he sees reguarly to work through his issuses because he stopped telling me what was going on about 3 years ago.
So he had gone to a councilor, he had gone to the councilor provided by our fertility treatment and hadn’t told me untill after. This upsets me because this was something we were supossed to do together, and now I am feeling like he has gone and told the councilor all how irritional I have been about that stupid wedding, and she even told him that it is probably hormones, and she will have a preconception of me, because my husband forgets a lot, he only tells what he remembers be important, which is likely to only be that I shamed him and made him leave a party.
And now he is telling me that we both have to go next week.

I am just so angry, not only because he has trivialised what I have been through, but because it is very likely he has painted a very negtivive, irrational, hormonal, first impression of me.

Gurrrrrr I was getting over this shit.

So angry and upset right now. And trapped, he has taken away the one person that I might have been able to talk with.

How am I supposed to deal with this… =(

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One thought on “I Think I have a Right to be Upset

  1. I feel for you, I can’t begin to imagine how you’ve got through all that alone. We are in a very similar place but I couldn’t get through it without my Hubby, I hope you have someone you can talk to and be there for you? I’m reaching out to know your not alone. Its not an easy process.

    Like

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